why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

Counselors told us to pull back, only visit her once a week, and to leave when the conversation gets ugly. Are they realistic? Even if they dont believe, there is a guidance that we believe in that we have to trust is protecting them and guiding them. The books listed below helped me so much with what you are talking about. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. Youll naturally feel greater altruism, kindness, and compassion too. It's always nice to be able to look at a book and start to read it before buying it just in case it isn't for you. How to Stop the Misery: See a therapist, join a 12-step group, or call a friend. The decisions you make today may be very different than the ones you made a decade ago due to the influence of your life experiences since then. So don't rob your partner of a chance to grow! With me changing they changed and after time b/c they couldn't push the same buttons the had before. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. 2. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. @gabbybernstein #spiritjunkie #judgmentdetox, I told her, You cant be responsible for another persons happiness.. But you can learn to stop any misery you might be inflicting on yourself. Your unsolicited help is a way of controlling and judging them. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. But as you change yourself and its hard in the beginning. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. I am also working with a therapist. Why cant I? Everyone else seems just fine but me.. You are responsible for only your happiness. His therapist has been trying to get him to understand that he can't be responsible for anyone else's emotions or happiness and he's interpreted it to mean he's free to do and say whatever he wants without consideration of how his actions are affecting others. If your plan doesnt work, see a therapist or check yourself into a program that can help you quit your self-destructive habit. I feel this is unhealthy. AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. If you have a critical inner voice that is constantly judging and blaming you, notice it (how could you not?) You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. Overwhelm.it was an accidentlet it go. You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Your mom is using it to control you and make you feel guilty for the way She is and for Her situation. Assael trains and lectures internationally about therapy, relationships and improvisation. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. She has also written fivecritically acclaimed, award-winning novels about life with mental health challenges. Self-awareness is essential for change. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. It's natural to want happiness for your loved ones and hate to see them suffer. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. Whether you broke your partner's favorite pen, forgot an important. Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel is your responsibility and that you feel guilty about. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. Your responses assure me that it's OK to be happy and leave the dark cloud to hang out in the air alone while I do so. Example [ extreme] you have the right to use drugs because you think it makes you happy. She is a real Debbie-downer personality to begin with, always has been. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. I should be able to handle this. He is caring enough to notice that I sometimes flinch around him and he's worried. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. 5. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. Instead of comparing yourself to those who are better off, make a downward comparison to those who are suffering more than you are. Someone abused you. It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. Thank you so much for your reply, Tanya. Remind yourself and them that you are doing this in order to deepen the relationship. Thank you all! (2016, May 5). I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. Self-talk like this makes you think you have to be perfect instead of the fallible human being that you arethat we all are. Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. How did it feel? Curious? 3. I also share some resources for anxiety and mental health in this post. There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. (for the past 10 years I've been living 'her' life, with little time for my own She has to get 'into' everything I'm doing ). How to Honor Your Feelings. spirituality. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. Understanding the complex, interdependent quality of our relationships with ourselves, others, and the world, can help you let go of feeling youre responsible for everyone and everything. You deserve your own happy life! This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. We do everything we can think of to make sure others are happy. When you fall prey to the belief that youre responsible for everyone and everything, youre not respecting interdependence and the fluid, ever-changing nature of our world. Instead, find a way to hold on to yourself as your loved one is meeting their personal woes. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. Behind their backs it's another story entirely. Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . Sometimes I believe that all parents do things for their. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. Have faith in other peoples guidance systems. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. The changes youre making to overcome toxic guilt can make you feel self-critical, e.g. Is it? By consistently practicing to accept someone where they are and see them with compassion, you realign with your true love nature. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when its a team effort. A friend was telling me about how she was visiting a very close friend of hers. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? Please don't give up! Sometimes it's easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. Such a process helps couples cut the symbiotic umbilical cord between them and dare to share their pain honestly, with no avoidance or censorship, and even without the need to solve or protect their spouse. Tanya is a Diplomate of the American Institution of Stress helping to educate others about stress and provide useful tools for handling it well in order to live a healthy and vibrant life. | If this is the case with you, figure out how best to express who you are in other areas of your life. But we forget interdependence or weve never heard of it to begin with. And, in the words of the Rolling Stones, you cant always get what you want. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. The National Domestic Violence Hotline online, Sleep Is a Spiritual Practice: 5 Spiritual Tools for Better Sleep. I feel all their problems are because of me and I am worthless and cannot ever do anything to repay for what they are doing for me. trustworthy health information: verify Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. In our sessions, we discovered that both of them shared the core belief that your pain = my fault. Certain hormones are known to help promote positive feelings, including happiness and pleasure. It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. Thats not to say theyre not responsible for their actions or shouldnt be held accountable. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. Smoking. Anything that happens occurs as a result of many interlocking causes and conditions, over which you only have partial control. Happiness comes from within, people in miserable circumstances can be happy. You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. Feeling solely responsible for the happiness of others, no matter how well-intended, causes anxiety. I was finally able to BREATHE. You cant be responsible for everything because you are not autonomous. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. Her work can be found on Role Reboot, Alternet, and on her blog: Two Parts Smart-Ass; One Part Wisdom. Misery-Maker 9: Falling for the belief that you cant change. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well? It is not our job to make our kids happy. In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. It Provides Me with Support. How to stop the misery: When your fantasies threaten to ruin your emotional health, neutralize them by murmuring these words: Just thoughts. Realizing that your fantasies are not realities will help you separate from them, as if standing to one side. Don't even think about either outcome. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! health I understand feeling like you want to run away and feeling the weight of being responsible for your parent's happiness. How to Change Your Diet So That You Have Fun and Feel Good! Tell her she is responsible for her own happiness. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. Relating to the pain you've caused someone or breaking your moral code are two of the core reasons you may experience guilt. Meg Selig is the author of Changepower! How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. He immediately said 8. Im just this way. My father was like this too, so Ive got the genes for smoking.. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. Theres nothing as potentially life-changing as talking regularly with a good therapist who can help you solve problems, discover new perspectives, and grow. It'd be impossible to take responsibility for someone else's happiness. You can't change them. She seems to like it best when all of my waking hours are focused on my "to-do" list. You need to understand what you have power over and what you don't. You don't have the power to make your husband choose the right attitude, behavior, words. What do I need to do now? Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Lynn Beisner writes about family, social justice issues, and the craziness of daily life. One is an article on how to find mental health help, and the other is a list of hotline numbers. Misery-Maker 3: Thinking that mistakes, setbacks, and failures doom you for life. Others arent always happy because thats just the way life is. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. That is unavoidable and natural. Youll feel immediate relief. trustworthy health. Just know you can choose whether to give it power or let it go. The other you simply cannot. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. Hi Marsha, Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. You can call 911 next time she threatens suicide and say she is a danger to herself and potentially others. T = Take charge and make the decision to change. Research shows that when you make the conscious decision to change, you are more likely to be successful. This does of course not help him nor me. Find her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I just need a few things to get you going. I'm taking care of both my parents 24/7. She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Taking responsibility for others happiness is a big cause of anxiety (Anxiety Causes: What Causes Anxiety?). by: E.B. I have zero control over his responses or mental health. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. It's time that we fix a flaw in our mental health model: its denial of personal responsibility. You ask this question in the hopes that, once he really thinks about this, he will see that your role in this is very limited. Success is staying with them while they cry. May you be happy, well, and safe always. P.S. 1. She had one weapon our mothers never had though. My parents moved me here as a child, we left all family behind on the west coast (we are on the east coast), which I didn't want to do. She is a wealth of knowledge and truly cares about helping people and empowering them to live life optimally. Give it a try. Heal trauma, unlearn fear and remember love. If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. Start doing one think today for youself. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. Any suggestions? My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. It doesnt matter whether youve read Judgment Detox, youre in the middle of it or you havent started it yet. Video here. I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. Maybe you'll find that you enjoy being in this relationship when you can be true to yourself, or maybe you'll discover that you want to live on your own again. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. Begin to question it. Sometimes its easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. You do . The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. Are your worries completely justified? How much effort and energy will I have to invest in cheering them up or asking for forgiveness? Over time, such mental effort can lead you to start avoiding your partner, since you already have enough on your plate. These bad habits may seem like they relieve stressand they may indeed relieve stress in the short runbut they are false friends. She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. My family will witness the joy and Divine Heavens, which no man, were they to glimpse just a taste of what it promises, would turn their back on this pure happiness in My Father's Kingdom. Its taken me years to understand why I feel such a guilt and responsibility towards my parents. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. Gillihan, Seth: "Do People Really Change?". PostedJanuary 24, 2017 In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. You just might eliminate this cause of anxiety and create inner peace. Am I just completely misunderstanding? I know this one well. Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. Emotional validation is distinguished from emotional invalidation when a person's emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged. All Rights Reserved. And for the most powerful antidote to social comparison, try this: gratitude. You are not alone in this! My wife might have been in that. Then we suffer if we cant. consistent on your spiritual path. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. I'm not sure though. I know one who takes her to appts but doesn't enjoy it. My life is more than busy and full. Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality. By using this site, you agree to our privacy policy. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. She micromanaged their lives and even the lives of daughters-in-law, prescribing how many minutes they could go out driving. Reviewed by Davia Sills. And you don't have to try a bunch of stuff at once if it makes you uncomfortable! Best wishes! I had to change. So basically, you do understand and are right on. Mind if I turn up the heat? I need some alone time right now. Acting more assertive is thrilling, no matter how small the issue. I feel this is unhealthy. 10/10/2016 16:38. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. It absolutely is possible to break this cycle later in life. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed. Try to think about the situation objectively - divide the circle into a 'responsibility' pie chart, apportioning responsibility for the situation between you, other people and external . Two elements threaten harmonious relations with parents and adult siblings, in-laws and adult children: lack of time and an abundance of emotional memories. Hi Todd. How many people participated in bringing it to you? You may be causing some of your suffering. We have to be conscious of the fact that its not our responsibility to change, or heal, or help, or resurrect anyone from their own issues and feelings. 3 steps to follow when you want to fix other people's problems When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. If not, see #10 below. Tweet: Theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). We believe the responsibility for others happiness rests on our shoulders. So dont rob your partner of a chance to grow. Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing acceptance of another person's emotional experience. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. He offers online individual, couple, and family therapy. I was abused by my mother. Have her committed for a 72 hour watch. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. It doesnt have to mean that you endorse what theyre doing. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. We need more space than other people. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. In closing, I offer this rephrasing: To each his own pain.. You are not a sole agent working exclusively under your own power. They do not need to apologize, fix, or encourage you. Your local library might have this book, as she's so well-known. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? Personal responsibility is the spark that allows "help" to help. Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. We come to fear the imagined consequences of this, and we increase our fear and worry with an. As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . To his surprise, his wife wasnt insulted but rather released a deep, spontaneous laugh. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. We have lived in our town since 1975. Mom, not so much. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). You can speak up for yourself. Answer (1 of 6): No. Examples: I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake. I guess Ill never do anything right. Im such a moron!. Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. Mental health is not hard . Mine will say she is going to jump out the window, and I'll remind her that wouldn't do the job b/c she lives on the ground floor of the building. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it's a team effort. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. The only person you can truly change is yourself and how you deal with the abuse they dish out. featured This friend was going through a tough time, and when my friend left, she felt this heavy weight on her. I am so stressed from caring for my mom. One you can do. And so the cycle goes. I blog here. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. Do you often try to help your friends, family members, or even coworkers or acquaintances fix their problems?

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