still sad 10 years after divorce

You need to get out of your head and into your life. We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and Im angry. Believe me, I've gotten my share of wide eyes of surprise when I say that I'm not interested in dating. No tool and not even with time repairs. I live in another state. "@type": "FAQPage", College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. I divorced the following year. I googled this lingering pain. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. An example is engaging in mind teasing activities, for instance going back to school for your masters on a part-time basis. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. 20. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. Im just so broken. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. Not feeling your feelings. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. I initiated it. I dont believe staying together for child sake. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think Ive worked through it all. I am not sure of what to do. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. A word I'd wished for so long to hear. Nobody really understands. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. Accept, move on and be ready to overcome any challenges that come along the way. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. It hurts badly, no matter how long. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . Its like I never existed in her world. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they . He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. "I think we are done", he says. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. I know what youre going through. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. A fractured. I do however, fear that my deep deep regret over leaving my husband and the associated guilt will eventually tear us apart. You deserve to come to peace with your divorce so that you can begin a new and richer life. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. Sorry, but I needed to share. Just an occasional issue with finances. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful I put together this: Ex- had removed $70,000 from her retirement account that never showed up in her interrogatory. We are none of us any one thing. Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. God sees our pain, our tears. But that fact doesnt erase the sadness of having said I do to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. Look beyond your broken marriage, erase the thoughts of your Ex and concentrate on other matters. Yet in only 10 percent of the couples do both former spouses. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. For me, the pain will never go away. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. The hurt will never quite go away. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. The article has been made in association with DivorceFiller the service for preparing divorce papers online. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. I am actually the one who left my husband. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. 2. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. We were married for 15 years. Seeking revenge. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. },{ Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. Divorce Hangover: Pain That Won't Stop I do hope this improves with time. Divorce happened the year after I had retired. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. "@type": "Question", No anger but deep deep hurt. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. Im happily remarried, yet Im still sad 17 years later. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Many times people start dating immediately while healing has not taken place making them suffer even more. In the dream, I'm still married to my ex-husband; we are fighting and he's getting ready to move out. My separation began that same summer after 18 years of marriage. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. Yes, even the not wanting to date after a divorce. people say you should be over and done by now . However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. Needing to be right. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. And then the pandemic hit. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. Agree. Although it may be different than the one you imagined, after a divorce you do still have a future to look forward to. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it Im so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels. And I miss hugs and kisses. Its very difficult to see a future for myself. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. But growing up an orphan and homeless, I have always wanted to create a nuclear family. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. irritability. And, you can still love someone else, in spite of what you feel for her. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. Toughing it out. I realize this website was for moms, but couldnt help but reply. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. It's a process that's extremely tough from start to finish, and you can still feel emotional weeks, months, and even years after you and your former partner have split. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. Then the shoe dropped. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. Wow. It's not a bad place to be. I had a gnawing feeling when I left him that I was "slitting my own throat" and now I know that is true. Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? Then she decided to take her Mom for a vacation to ensure that she was at peace and enjoy a new atmosphere outside the norm. difficulty concentrating. Great article!!! This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. Does it mock me? I saw my ex at a social function. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. ", Its good to see Im not alone. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. And yes, so much collateral damage. Cheers to a better tomorrow! I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. My father died two weeks before she left . I am not a bitter woman. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. Village historic. I dont know if I have ever felt such an awful feeling of loss besides the death of my parents. } We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. "@type": "Question", And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. I wa interested in this website. Oh well. from their father when they need us both. It hasnt been that long. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. Friends dont understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. There are several factors that may contribute to the sadness that is coming up for you post-divorce, including how tied your identity is to your ex-partner and whether you've allowed yourself to fully grieve. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. My career has suffered. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. with some cranberry vodka and talking outloud praying) for my ex to come back to me not to BE with me but to apologize and clarify why he truly left. Yes, I am male. only with God do I hang on. Your ex will find his happy life isnt all he thought it would be.mine surely didnt, but hes stuck with it now. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to cope up with the partner any more. I have truly tried to find out who I am. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I think this is going to be chance for me to finally heal and let go of him. I have moved on and with a new partner. A lot of it hit home with me. I just do not what I am frightened of. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Thank you again for sharing your stories. }] I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . Along with the occasional look of, "Mhmm, sure.". Dead dreams live inside me. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . You will have limited time to think about your past relationship, and you will overcome. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. The marriage deteriorated. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom.

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